dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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