I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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