Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
