I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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