I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
