Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
