alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize