Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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