One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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