I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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