She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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