is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
