I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
