that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize