So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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