I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
