he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
