I am puke
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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