I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
