You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
