True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
