Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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