so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We left the knife in your bed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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