To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
