Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just googled if crying burns calories
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
