You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
