You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
