is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
