Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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