I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Drunk is a universal language darling
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
