i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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