Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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