my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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