Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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