It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
