I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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