I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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