He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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