Your mouth is God's brothel.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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