Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
