Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize