So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
