My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
