My room smells like vodka and shame
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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