Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
not ubering you a puppy
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
