He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
