ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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