There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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