just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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