well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize