i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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