watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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