Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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