Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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