I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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