I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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