Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
