This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
