seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
