HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
