I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
