I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize